It concerns us all

How do you actually talk about death?

Patients themselves often provide the cue to broach the sensitive subject. Listen carefully and take this need seriously - even if it is difficult.

(Bild: stock.adobe.com/LIGHTFIELD STUDIOS)

It is not an easy task to think about the last things, but it is an important step for patients and relatives in the case of serious or incurable illnesses. Careful discussion offers the opportunity to consciously shape the remaining time.

"We don't have to talk about that today."

"You always see everything so darkly."

"This has nothing to do with us now."

It's understandable that such sentences are often uttered when it comes to the topic of saying goodbye for good. A serious, life-threatening illness causes fear of the unstoppable.

However, affected patients, relatives and friends also have the opportunity to prepare themselves and consciously shape the remaining time. This requires a huge amount of courage and strength. But it is worth it to overcome fears, not to develop feelings of guilt and to make room for love while it is still possible.

What's the best way to start?
"Listen carefully to whether the person concerned is perhaps already giving you hints, such as saying 'when I'm no longer here'. This could indicate that there is a need to talk. Responding to this by gently asking what is meant, what worries are bothering the person, signals: 'I won't leave you alone and I'm here for you'," advises Dr. Gabriele Traun-Vogt, psychooncologist, psychotherapist and clinical psychologist from Vienna on selpers.com.

There is support!

Shape the remaining time together: On the online platform "selpers", relatives and patients can find information in the form of videos, podcasts, expert tips and training on the topic.

Under no circumstances should the request be dismissed as exaggerated, sentimental or even inappropriate.

Conversely, relatives and friends can also talk about death, perhaps to express a personal concern. However, the following conditions must be met, as the psychologist points out:

• Choose a quiet, safe place
• Proceed with caution
• Respect boundaries

It is quite natural that this is a stressful topic that can quickly put you in a state of emergency, and you can admit this to yourself and others. If you don't have the strength to deal with it at the moment - whether as a patient, relative or friend - it makes sense to admit it and postpone the conversation to another (defined) time. Use the time until then to gather information, possibly consult a doctor, read up on the subject, attend lectures/patient seminars.

You don't have to go through this alone!
You can find support from your own circle of friends, if there are people who have experience with the topic, as well as from psychologists, psychotherapists, palliative and hospice teams, as recommended by Prof. DDr. Eva-Katharina Masel, Head of the Department of Internal Medicine at Vienna General Hospital.

There are no fixed rules when saying goodbye
You can't go wrong, just follow your intuition. The time to say goodbye is when it feels right, even if the person is not yet dying. Palliative and intensive care physicians assume that even patients who are no longer responsive can still perceive voice and touch.

The sense of hearing is retained for a particularly long time. You can give loving words on the way, signal to the patient that they can go and that you will manage without ever forgetting them. Say goodbye in a way that suits you personally and how you feel you can best cope. This will not make the loss any easier, but it will remain a deep feeling in your heart.