Without any arguments

SOS tips: How to get through Christmas safely

Instead of a picture-perfect Christmas, many couples and families experience conflicts and arguments under the Christmas tree.

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Oh, Merry Christmas...? Christmas should be the most peaceful and harmonious time of the year. But in many families, conflicts ignite when the candles are lit on the Christmas tree - and people argue like crazy. Find out here how you can avoid this and ensure peace and reflection - or at least a "truce" - at Christmas dinner with your loved ones. 

In this interview, bestselling author Alexandra Reinwarth ("Am Arsch vorbei geht auch ein Weg") reveals many small but effective tips on how to ensure harmony at Christmas. Sabine Maunz, clinical psychologist and head of the nursing and care department at Hilfswerk Österreich, also has tips up her sleeve for a blessed Christmas.

Stressful Advent season drains our batteries
The Christmas holidays in particular are very prone to family turmoil. This is simply because after a usually stressful pre-Christmas period full of obligations - drinking punch, looking for presents, final papers at school, stress at work, etc. - things finally calm down. - peace and quiet finally returns. But you are exhausted and therefore very sensitive, reacting overly emotionally to little things.

Perfectionism leads to disappointment
Expectations for Christmas Eve are often set far too high. Disappointments lead to sadness and anger. Everything that doesn't go according to plan is overrated: after all, you've gone to so much trouble to make sure everyone is happy and everything is just right, and then the children peel out of the clothes you've so lovingly chosen for them, your partner refuses to help with the final preparations and drinks one too many glasses out of frustration, the raclette spontaneously gives up the ghost and, last but not least, there are kitchen utensils or underpants under the tree. That's all it takes to write off Christmas.

A few simple tips can help you to take a relaxed approach to Christmas and perhaps even really enjoy it!

Tip 1 - Set realistic expectations
Whether the goose is a little too dry, the pastries a little too crispy or the Christmas carols are sung a little too off-key and alcohol-fueled - don't take it too seriously. Be happy that your family is together and that you have a partner and/or great children. The higher your expectations, the more likely you are to be disappointed.

Any perfectionist tendencies also have no place under the Christmas tree. The more pressure you put on yourself, the more tense and irritable you will be. Preparations for the evening are best done in small units in advance so that you are more relaxed at the party itself and not dead tired from the work involved. Don't be afraid to ask your partner or family members for help with the preparations (see tips below).

Which topics have no place at Christmas dinner? Try to discuss all this in advance and find a compromise.

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Tip 2 - Communicate and allow freedom
Especially if you want to celebrate with many family members, many different ideas will come together: whether to go to church, whether to give presents before or after the meal, whether to eat fish or goose or where and for how long the celebration should take place. It is also advisable to discuss possible conflicting topics and preferences in advance. What other topics should not be discussed during the Christmas holidays? Whether it's corona, the Gaza war, Trump's election victory or the Zuckerl coalition: try to discuss all of this in advance and find a compromise.

A short visit can work wonders
Even if you only spend part of the evening together, Christmas can still be a wonderful time - more so than if you frantically try to keep your quasi-adult children under the tree while they would still like to celebrate with their boyfriend or girlfriend. It is also advisable not to stick to traditions if the majority of those present are against them: if your family doesn't enjoy reading out Christmas poems, don't insist on it. This will dampen the mood and ultimately make no one happy.

According to statistics, relationships that are formed in winter last the longest.

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Tip 3 - Invite guests consciously
If you don't get on well with some family members, don't invite them purely out of a sense of duty. Because then the atmosphere will be confrontational. For example, if your partner insists on spending time with his parents on Christmas Day and you don't get on with his mother, try to arrange a short visit that you can end at any time.

Reinwarth pleads for a clear conscience: "Relatives who cause stress or arguments every year don't have to invite them. Shake off this guilt, it doesn't belong to you!"

Tip 4 - Don't start a fight
If you notice that a situation is starting to overheat, you should not react to every irritating word, but change the subject or leave the room unobtrusively for a short time to calm down again. Otherwise a conflict will ignite too quickly.

If you notice that someone is deliberately teasing you, make it clear in a calm and friendly manner that you do not want to have any discussions that evening. Excessive alcohol consumption should also be avoided, as this makes you argumentative or loosens your tongue.

Alexandra Reinwarth is a bestselling author and has written numerous successful books, including "Am Arsch vorbei geht auch ein Weg" and "Das Leben ist zu kurz für später" as well as the series "Was ich an dir liebe". She lives in Valencia with her son, dog and cat and loves seafood.

(Bild: Alexandra Reinwarth)

Tip 5 - Don't set up a stressful program
It's not compulsory to rush through the living rooms of all your uncles, aunts, cousins and neighbors during the holidays. Only make plans for visits that you really want to make and that fit in with your schedule. If your children don't want to come along to all the visits, you should accept that too. It's better to go alone than to have your grumpy offspring with you.

Tip 6 - Change what didn't work last year this year
Do you get into arguments every year because your partner wants to go to a restaurant with their friends over the Christmas holidays? Don't insist on being together all the time and spend some quality time alone. You'll be amazed at how much the mood changes for the better if you give in once in a while or don't insist on a tradition or habit that only leads to arguments. 

When the mood changes, it is helpful to take a deep breath, take a short break and do something good for yourself. A walk or a quiet corner can work wonders.

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Konflikte vorprogrammiert?

Weitere Tipps für ein harmonisches Weihnachtsfest

Sabine Maunz, a clinical psychologist at Hilfswerk Österreich, knows that for many families, Christmas is more a time of crisis than a time for contemplation.

"The enormous pressure for everything to be perfect and harmonious at Christmas often leads to conflicts between family members. In addition, there are tensions whose causes lie in everyday life, which is supposedly left out. Be it professional problems, a lack of success at school, parent-child or couple relationships in crisis. Due to the already emotionally intense holidays and the prolonged physical proximity, even a minor event is enough to abruptly end the Christmas peace."

• She advises taking conscious breaks . "When the mood changes, it's helpful to take a deep breath, take a short break and do something good for yourself. A walk or a quiet corner can work wonders." Grab the excited, almost uncontrollable offspring or the family dog and stretch your legs. This clears your head, burns calories and strengthens you for your next appearance in the living room.

It is usually mothers and grandmothers who take on the role of planning and organizing the Christmas festivities in advance.

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• You shouldn't shy away from changing rituals either. "If certain traditions lead to conflict, they should be reconsidered or adapted. "Flexibility and a willingness to compromise are the key to ensuring that family members feel as comfortable as possible." Tasks (cooking, wrapping presents, entertaining children, etc.) don't always have to be done by the same person just "because it's always been done that way".

• Distribute the "workload" fairly: It is usually the mothers and grandmothers who are given the role of planning ahead and organizing Christmas. They take care of the physical well-being, organize the presents, have everyone's needs in mind - but receive too little support from other family members. "Fathers in particular should shoulder a fair share of the so-called 'mental load', i.e. the burden of 'care work'," says Maunz.

Seek help in good time in a crisis

• In acute emergencies - even on public holidays or weekends - the hotline of the telephone counseling service can be reached 24 hours a day throughout Austria on the emergency number 142 or HERE
• Information about the women's helpline HERE
• You can reachRat auf Draht HERE

• A positive attitude works wonders - as hackneyed as this may sound. Shared activities that bring joy lift the spirits. Why not cook together or ask family members to bring the starter or dessert? The tree can also be decorated as a family and even the uncle can set the table for once. 

Finally, for the sake of completeness, it's worth mentioning that guests don't have to be able to see themselves reflected in every surface. Rather postpone hours of cleaning marathons, it saves time and nerves.